Reasons to live
by Sophieecd
Summary: What if Clay hadn't left Hannah in that room alone, but instead he had stayed and given Hannah a reason to live. Retake on the ending of 13RW.
1. Chapter 1

"You need to go Clay," I insisted, turning away from him to sit at the edge of the bed. So many thoughts were swirling through my head, every little rumour and every little action that had happened in the past year. Through the haze, I heard him open the door. I waited for the sound of it closing behind him, it felt like eons passed, but the clicking of the door never came. I forced myself to turn around, to see what he was doing.

Clay was hovering in the door, the conflict of what he should do evident in his eyes. He cast his gaze up and looked me directly in the eyes and watched as the tears streamed down my face. It wasn't a normal cry, where you the tears rack through your body and your eyes and nose stream. The tears falling down my face were a lone indicator of the emotions coursing through my body, I was motionless as every heart breaking feeling ran through me. Unable to maintain eye contact any longer, I turned away from him and waited to be alone.

"No," I heard him say, causing me to look back round. I found him walking back towards the bed and noticed that I no longer saw conflict in his eyes. It was determination. Before I realised what was happening, I felt his arms wrap around me, holding me to his chest. I couldn't help but tense up, his gesture overwhelming me. I expected that he would stop and move away, but he didn't. Instead we stayed like this, and after a while I relaxed. Let his touch calm me. As the time passed, I turned towards him, and rested my forehead on his shoulder as the tears turned into body racking sobs. It felt like an infinite time passed as I cried out every bad thing that happened to me. Every tear represented me letting go of the hurt and anger until finally the tears stopped. For the first time in months, I could think with clarity.

I pulled back to look at Clay. I expected to see pity coming off of him, but all I could see was concern. Before I could stop myself, I leaned in and gently placed my lips to his before pulling away and letting a small smile spread across my face.

"Hannah, what," Clay began, before I put a finger over his lips.

"Thank you Clay," I whispered, moving my hand to hold the side of his face.

"For what Hannah, what is going on?" He placed his hand over mine and pulled it towards him so that both of his hands were holding mine.

"I don't know, Clay, for everything. For holding me, letting me cry all over you, for not walking away. For not seeing me the way everyone else sees me," I tell him. I hesitate before I continue. I want to tell him the truth, the messed up thoughts that I'd been having recently, but I was scared. What if it back fired and he ran away from the emotional mess that I am.

"Hannah, I would never. I mean, you can talk to me. I'm not going to go anywhere," he gently squeezed my hands. "Let's get out of here. We can go to Rosies and get a shake, we can talk."

"Not Rosies," I respond sharply. I squint my eyes shut as the memories begin to play in head. But I can't do this right now, I won't, so I force them back open and lean in to Clay, nestling my self in his arms. Almost automatically, he holds me to him and I am able to calm myself. I'm able to bring myself back to the now, and enjoy the warmth of his body around mine. After a couple of minutes, I pull back.

"Can we go to mine?" I ask him. I want to tell him the full story and I can't do that with a potential audience.

He doesn't answer me, instead gets up off the bed and holds his hands out to mine. I take hold of them and move off the bed to stand in front of him. As we move out of the room and down the stairs, I can feel a sense of change within me. It was as if the reasons that I had been coming up with to stop everything, to stop feeling, I was leaving them behind. Instead I was following the reason I had to live and for the first time for as long as I could remember, I wanted to. 


	2. Chapter 2

I didn't know where to start. I'm sat on my bed opposite Clay, clinging on to a pillow as a form of protection. Clay just sat there waiting, watching me as he saw me trying to sort through my thoughts.

"Hannah, there's no rush," Clay told me, taking my grip off of the pillow sat in my lap and holding my hands. "We don't even have to talk about it if you don't want to, we can talk about how drunk everyone was at the party or how annoying Jess and Justin were."

I couldn't help but laugh at him attempting to lighten the air. It reminded me how easy it was to be around him and just like that I realised I was ready to tell him everything.

"This isn't exactly a short story, Clay," I told him.

"I've got time," he smiled.

I sighed and took a sip from the glass of water I had placed on the floor. "So much has happened since I moved here," I began and plunged into telling him every story of what had been going on to cause me to be as emotionally broken as I was.

I talked about when I first got there and my crush on Justin and how he broke my heart with those pictures. Then I told him about my friendship with Jess, how good it was to have a friend in those first few months along with Alex and how Jess broke my heart by not believing me when I was the subject of the next school joke.

I told him about everyone who had helped in destroying my reputation. Alex, Tyler, Courtney, Marcus. How they had each contributed in creating the rumours that surrounded me, engulfed me. How I had earned a reputation that I didn't deserve. How the list had given people the permission to grab my ass without invitation. How the privacy of my home was taken away from me with those pictures. How one school dance had led to people believing I was something that I wasn't. How everything that had happened previously led one person to think I was easy and just an object.

Then I moved on to tell him about Zack and Ryan, how they had broken my spirit. How much it had hurt me that Zach had felt the need to take the one good thing in my life away from me in the form of the notes. And Ryan. How he had made my most private thoughts the talk of the school.

As promised Clay never went anywhere, he just sat and listened as I told him everything. He didn't say anything, I could see he was trying his best not to react but as the stories went on, I could see the anger emanating from him more and more.

It was like the opposite was happening with me though. Talking Clay through everything that had been happening seemed to be repairing the damage that the 8 people from my stories had caused. The strain of the situation I was in was lifting from my shoulders as I shared the weight of it with someone else and I realised that I didn't have to suffer through this alone. The boy in front of me cared about me and wanted me to lean on him. He wasn't doing it to look good like Courtney, or to get some action like so many of the boys in the school. He was genuinely concerned for my wellbeing and wanted to help me.

"He didn't care, all he could see was how the poem would benefit his stupid magazine. He didn't realise the effect it would have on me, to have everyone at the school talking about it and some knew it was me. Most didn't but it only took one person to say that it was my poem and the whole school was saying it. It was humiliating." I finished my final story and looked up at Clay.

We sat in silence for a few minutes as we both took in the significance of what I had talked about. I glanced at the clock sat on my bedside table and saw that it was 7AM. I hadn't realised that it was light outside, we had talked the whole night.

"Wow," Clay finally broke the silence. "I never realised, I mean I'd heard all the rumours, but I never imagined. But Hannah, you went through all that alone."

"I suppose I have been, yeah," I responded quietly. For the second time in the night, Clay surprised me by pulling me into a hug.

"Not anymore," he whispered into my ear. I made myself comfortable in his arms and wrapped myself around him.

"I know that now," I said under my breath. We stayed like this for a while, Clay showing how much he meant what he was saying.

All of a sudden, Clay pulled away from me and jumped off the bed, picking his jacket up from off the floor causing me to wonder what was going on.

"I didn't realise the time, my mom must have been worried," he told me, as he saw the confusion in my face. He pulled his phone from his pocket and glanced at it, before turning it to me to show me the screen. I could see several missed calls from his mom, as well as multiple texts. "As expected."

"It's nice that she cares so much," I said.

"Too much sometimes," he muttered whilst typing a message. He finished the message, before looking back at me. "I should go."

"Oh," I whispered. I knew it was silly of me, but it felt like he was running for me.

"It's really late Hannah. I'm not running, I just need to get some sleep before work later," He told me, as though reading my mind. Just the thought of him leaving caused some of the negative thoughts to creep back into my mind.

"You could stay? I need to get some sleep too." I asked him quietly.

"What about your parents? Won't they come and check on you?" He said, putting his coat back down.

"No, they go out early on a Saturday to do a stock check and open up. They know I don't like to be disturbed and they won't be back until at least 6." I told him. "Please stay."

"Okay," he smiled.

I stood up from the bed and pulled my boots and socks off. I looked up to see Clay's eyes bulging from the sockets.

"Oh calm down Clay, I'm not going to get changed in front of you," I pulled my pyjamas out of the drawer and turned back to him. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

I quickly left my room and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I made my way through my normal routine before going to bed, quickly taking my make up off, brushing my teeth and changing into my PJ's. I debated leaving my bra on, but there was nothing more uncomfortable than sleeping in my bra and it wasn't like I would be topless. I pulled open the door and walked back to my room, finding my parents bedroom door open and the room spotless. It crossed my mind that they must have been moving about the house when I had been talking to Clay and was surprised they hadn't come into my room to see who I was talking to, or that I hadn't heard them leave. Remembering the smart clothes that Clay was wearing and knowing how shy he could be, I went over to my dad's dresser, opened the bottom drawer and pulled out a pair of his pyjamas for Clay.

I made my way back to my room to find Clay sat on the edge of the bed, flicking through his phone and typing messages. I threw the PJ's at his back, causing him to jump.

"Thought you might need something to sleep in," I commented, before picking up my hairbrush from my dresser and beginning to brush through my now very short hair. He put his phone down on my desk and picked them up.

"Thank you," he smiled, placing a kiss on my forehead before making his way out of my room.

I put the brush down and moved around the room, closing my blinds and plugging my phone in to charge, before throwing the decorative pillows off my bed and getting in under my duvet. Just in time, Clay came back into the room wearing the pyjamas that happened to fit him perfectly. He closed my bedroom door behind him and climbed into bed next to me. I turned onto my side and turned off my lamp. We lay there for a few minutes, the distance between us feeling like a mile.

"Clay, will you hold me?" I asked, glancing over my shoulder to find him lying flat on his back and staying as still as possible. I reached over and took his hand in mine. He smiled at me, before moving to lie close behind me, his chest against my back.

"Always," he murmured into my hair.

"Never leave me Clay," I whispered, my insecurities evident in my voice.

"Never, Hannah, I'm not going anywhere," he told me, pulling me closer to him. I couldn't help but smile, an expression that didn't leave my face as I quickly drifted off to sleep, the quickest I had in months.


	3. Chapter 3

For the first time in a long time, I slept without any nightmares. It was the opposite, where I dreamt of Clay and our future together. Where we would meet my mom in Monet's to tell her that we were getting married. We spent the entire time laughing, with me nestled against Clay's chest. In the dream, my eyes kept drifting to look at the engagement ring sat on my finger, showing his love and dedication to me. My eye lids fluttered against the material of Clay's pyjama top as I slowly began to wake up. Clay had kept his promise but rather than him hugging me from behind, he now lay on his back and I was on my side next to him, with one arm wrapped around my back and the other positioned so he could keep hold of my hand that was sat on his chest. His thumb slowly rubbed up and down the back of my hand, indicating he was also awake.

Making the most of the situation, I stayed in the same position and enjoyed the comfort that having him next to me provided. After a while, Clay's other hand moved into my hair and began playing with it, a gesture that was soothing and threatened to send me back to sleep. Realising that this would probably be a bad idea, I looked up to find Clay staring up at my ceiling, miles away in thought.

"Hey," I mumbled, bringing him out of his distraction and resulting in him looking down at me, a smile spreading across his face.

"Hey," he responded and his tone echoed the look on his face. Clay had always hidden his emotions in the past, but it seemed that recently, every thought and feeling that he had, he could not hide. The expression on his face was one I recognised, but couldn't place, it was care, but there was also something else there.

"What time is it?" I asked as I stretched and wrapped my self back around him.

"A little after 2PM," he answered, pulling me close to his chest, resulting in a smile from me. We made small talk for a while, discussing school and assignments that we had to do, work and how often we were down to be in the next couple of days. It was an entirely normal conversation, something that had been lacking in my life recently.

We were laughing over the events of the party, when I suddenly realised where I had seen the expression on Clay's face before and stopped laughing, quickly sitting up. It was how my Dad looked at my Mom. Whenever she worried about me or him, when she looked after the both of us. When she did one of her strange habits that my Dad loved about her.

"Love," I said sharply before I aware of what I had said. Clay looked at me carefully, confused as to what had caused me to say that.

"Hannah?" he asked. I couldn't find a way to respond. My mind was reeling as it connected all the dots that indicate that Clay loved me. The pure care with which he acted around me. The way he had stayed with me, both when I asked him to leave or when I begged him not to. The way he looked at me.

"You love me?" I retorted, the words escaping my mouth before I could stop them. I turned around to watch him as his mouth opened and closed, trying to find the words to respond. He continued like this for what felt like a lifetime, before he eventually sat up and took my face in both of his hands.

"Yes Hannah, I do," he told me, his voice full of sincerity. "I've loved you from the day that we met at Kat's leaving party. Every time I heard the rumour's it hurt so much to think that they could possibly be true, for you to be with another guy, but now I know the truth. Not that it change's anything though, I love you no matter what I hear and I understand if it is too soon for you to say it, but I don't think I could deny what is the truth, especially to you. So yes, I love you."

I take a deep breath as I process all the words that just left his mouth and before I can stop myself, I throw myself at him, my mouth hitting his with force. I manouver so I'm sat in his lap and push myself against him. I can feel Clay hesitate for a second before returning the kiss with the same force. He runs his hands up and down my back, holding me as close to him as possible. I pull away from him and gasp for breath, but his mouth stays on my skin and travels down to my neck, causing me to take a sharp breath in from the sensation. But then all of sudden his lips are off of me and he is holding me at arms length.

"Hannah, we need to slow down. We've been here before," Clay warned and attempted to move me off of his lap.

"No Clay," I responded, taking his face in my hands. "That was different, it was alcohol and lust fuelled. This right now is what I want, what I need. I know what I'm doing and I know you'll stop if I ask."

"But Hannah," he says, and I can tell he is conflicted. I know what I need to say to him to make him realise how serious I am. It might have only been a day since we connected fully and everything that happened historically should make me cautious to tell him, but I trust that I won't regret it, I trust him.

"I can't tell you I love you Clay," I tell him, putting a finger over his lips to silence him. "Not yet at least, but I know that I will. You are everything to me right now Clay, you saved me from myself. I had been having thoughts recently, thoughts that I don't want to say out loud because I'm scared that they ever even entered my head. But this has changed everything. Knowing you love me, that you're never going leave me even when I ask you to, it means the world."

I finish my speech and wait for him to respond. We stay in silence for a few moments whilst Clay looks at me. Realising that it hadn't worked, I begin to move myself off of his knee and turn away from him, feeling slightly embarrassed about throwing myself at him. His hands stop me from moving any further, and I turn around to find him smiling at me as he pulls me as close as he can get me to him. Clay kisses me passionately and we both make the most of the proximity, our hands exploring each others bodies. His move their way down my sides and stop when they reach the edge of my pyjama top. I feel his fingers trace the skin that is now exposed and I realise his hesitance is him asking permission. To answer his question, I pull my mouth away from him and raise my arms in the air. He stops the movement of his fingers for a second, before taking hold of the cotton t-shirt and pulling it up my body slowly. I hold my breath as it travels over my breasts and off my head. Clay throws the T-shirt to the floor and returns his hands to my waist, his hands moving but keeping within a few nerves as I wait for Clay to react course through my body, knowing that this is the first time exposing myself to him. Sensing the tension from me, he moves his hands to his own top and pulls it over his head before pulling me close to him again.

"There," he whispers in my ear. "We're even now."

A small giggle escapes my lips and I wrap myself around him, enjoying the feeling of skin on skin. I position my lips back on his and we go back to the intense kissing that had been happening a few seconds before. The sensations that take over my body are like nothing I've ever felt before with anyone else. I don't want him to stop right now but I also know I'm not ready to completely let go.

"Not the whole way Clay," I breathe.

"I know, you want to stop, we stop," Clay responds and returns to kissing me, travelling down my body. I give into the feeling and let it take control. 


	4. Chapter 4

I stared in the mirror, looking critically at myself and attempting to find any flaws with my appearance. I was dressed in a deep purple mid thigh length dress and black heeled court shoes, which were making my feet ache already. My hair was loose around my shoulders and I had spent the past hour making sure my make-up was perfect. It had been a month since I finally confessed everything to Clay. He had attempted to take me out multiple times previously but whenever we had tried, we never made it out of the house. My hormones have been coursing through me and the slightest touch from him resulted in me throwing myself at him and us spending the evenings in the quiet of my room, giving us the privacy to behave in a way we couldn't do in public. This evening, we had both vowed to keep our hands off of each other so that we could finally do this all officially.

I couldn't quite believe where the month had gone. Being with Clay had been as easy as breathing; it was natural and I was the happiest I had ever been. We had become inseparable which was nauseating for those around us. He was the first person I spoke to in the morning and he had taken to texting me whilst I was asleep to tell me that he loved me, so that it was the first thing I saw when I woke up. He then reminded me of this throughout the day, a small part of the routine that we had fallen into.

I would meet him at my front door in the morning, where he would come in and have breakfast with me and my parents. Mum and Dad absolutely adored him, he was perfect in their eyes, this helped along by his impeccable manners, willingness to help with the preparation and clearing up, and the obvious way in which he cared about their daughter. We would then walk to school together, where he would stop us multiple times to place a kiss on my skin. He'd remind me of how he felt before we separated to go to class. We spent lunch break's wrapped around each other in a secluded corner of the library, much to the annoyance of the people using the library for it's actual purpose. He would then find me after school for us to walk to his house. We always walked slowly, talking about our day and making sure there was nothing else we needed to talk about. The reason for this was that the minute we stepped over the threshold of his house, we were all over each other, stumbling up the stairs to his room where the majority of our clothes would be discarded for us to fall onto his bed and make the most of the empty house. We would spent the next couple of hours there, making small talk and enjoying the feeling of skin on skin amongst other things that we craved throughout the day. We had not yet gone the whole way but had come close a few times. There had been a fair few near misses where his parents had come home early, resulting in us hastily dressing and quickly opening up text books to make sure that by the time they came to check on us, we looked like we had been engrossed in school work since we had got to his house. Homework was then quickly done, ready for his mum to tell us that dinner was ready an hour later. I thought his parents liked me, and I always tried to be as polite and helpful as I could. Being the gentleman that he was, he would then walk me home. Giving the appearance of saying goodbye and kissing me goodnight, he would make it look like he was walking home before turning back around and sneaking up to my window where he would climb into my room and stay with me until I fell asleep, something I had begged him to do when I realised that I could no longer sleep peacefully without him there.

And so that had been my life for the past four weeks. We were spending so much time around each other and yet it made no difference to how much I still needed him. Because of this, Clay had declared that it was time for him to be a proper boyfriend and asked me on a date. I had laughed at the gesture but happily agreed, although doubted that we would be able to keep ourselves controlled for the whole night.

I adjusted my hair so that it sat behind my ear on one side before picking up my purse and making my way out of my room as I heard a knock on the front door. The heels clicked on the floor and I was beginning to regret my decision on wearing anything other than flats. Following the sound of voices coming from the kitchen, I walked in to find my parents having an animated conversation with Clay who was facing away from the door. My breath caught in my throat at the sight of him in a suit and I don't think I'd ever seen him looking so handsome. My mom smiled as she saw me stood in the doorway, causing Clay to turn around. He stared at me, taking in my full appearance, resulting in a blush spreading across my cheeks. Eventually coming out of his trance, he came over to me and placed a kiss next to my ear.

"You look beautiful," he whispered before pulling away and taking hold of my hands.

"Ready to go?" I asked him to which he nodded. We walked out of the kitchen and I shouted my goodbyes to mom and dad.

As we walked through the front door, my heel caught, resulting in my foot wobbling and Clay catching me when I almost fell.

"Don't you want to change them into something else, something more comfortable?" Clay asked me with a look of concern whilst helping me back up to standing. His small act of care made the butterflies in my stomach flutter tenfold and I couldn't stop myself as I thrust my mouth upon his. He reacted equally as enthusiastically and pushed me up against the wall as his hands run up and down my sides.

"My house is free," he told me between kisses and I smiled against his lips.

"And you were the one that wanted an official date," I responded breathily. Composing my mind as his lips travelled on my skin, I eventually got myself together enough to pull him into one last intense but short kiss before pushing him away. "You are not getting out of this Mr Jensen, I was promised a date and that is what I am getting. Now where are we going?"

"Just because you are driving, does not mean you get to know completely where we are going," Clay said before he handed me a small piece of paper with a zip code on it.

I took it from him and grinned at him. I wasn't expecting him to be so secretive about the location, but I like the idea of a surprise. I clicked the button on the keys to unlock the car and climbed in, Clay mirrored my actions. I quickly set up the GPS with the zip code and resisted the temptation to look at the names in detail that came up, and instead looked away.

"You better choose the right one," I instructed him, resulting in a bleep and then a robotic voice telling me to take a left at the end of the road. I looked at Clay and grinned with the excitement of the unknown. He smiled back at me and leaned over to brush his lips against mine.

"I really hope you are going to like this," he smiled and sat back in his seat. I put the car into gear and pulled away from the sidewalk. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Firstly, thank you so much for the likes, follows and comments. 13 reasons why is a subject so close to my heart and I have spent years wondering what would have happened if Hannah had opened up to someone about how she was feeling. The series coming out prompted me to start writing this and I am kind of proud of what I've come up with.**

 **I have just finished watching the second series (wow is all I have to say), so I am planning on incorporating the additions to the story into the this going forward so this is the official spoiler alert. I have absolutely no idea where this is going and look forward to seeing where the story takes me.**

We had only been driving for around 20 minutes, travelling through town and down toward the docks. I continued to follow the instructions until I pulled into a vacant car park on the waterfront, where there were no buildings in site. As the voice announced that we had arrived at our final destination, I turned to look at Clay and raised an eyebrow at him.

"Okay, this is the point I realise that how much we love each other has driven you to insanity, so you are going to murder me and float my body out to sea," I teased and leant towards him. His lack of response confused me as he sat there frozen and staring at me.

"And now you are working out how you'll do it," I prompted and ran my hand through his hair. "Hello, earth to helmet?"

"How much we love each other?" he eventually choked out. I pulled away from him as I registered what I had said to him and that it had sent him into shock. We sat silent for a few moments as we processed what I had just said.

I had told him that first night that I would grow to love him, so why was it such a shock that I had indirectly told him this was now reality? But it also made me wonder why I was so hesitant to tell him what I already knew. I had spent years making sure that I kept my emotions to myself so that I didn't get hurt. So many times that had come to stab me in the back. It was different with Clay though, he knew things about me that no one else knew. I trusted him and I can't remember the last time I had been this comfortable around someone.

Before I could stop myself, I climbed out of my seat and over to his so that I was straddling him. I took his face in my hands and pulled him in to kiss him hard, bringing him out of his trance.

"I love you Clay Jensen," I told him breathlessly as I rubbed my thumb on his cheek. "I love you so much that it hurts, not in a bad way, in a way that takes my breath away and makes my heart race. I wouldn't be here if I didn't have you, you've brought me back to life."

My massive declaration had put him back into a trance like state, so I peppered kisses over his face until eventually I felt the smile growing on his face and he ran his hands into my hair to pull my face away from his and look me directly in the eye.

"And I fucking love you Hannah Baker, god you don't realise how much. You're everything I ever wanted and to know you love me, it makes me the luckiest man alive. I don't deserve you." He finished and pulled me into a kiss that took my breath away. We stayed like this for an eternity, each putting how much we loved each other into every touch. His hands brushed underneath my dress and worked their way up until they reached my ass, where he made the most of the access and grasped at the flesh in reach. With his hand preoccupied, I worked on the buttons of his shirt until eventually it hung open and I leant forward to kiss his bare chest. His hands left my skin and I felt them back in my hair, where he gently pulled my lips back to his. Reaching behind me, my hands landed on the zipper and pulled it down. I wriggled out of the dress, revealing the lacy black bra that I had bought especially for tonight. Clay stopped kissing me and his eyes roamed my chest.

"You look amazing in that," he whispered, resulting in me smiling and reaching down to his belt.

"I don't want to stop anymore," I told him as I unfastened it and the button on his trousers. "I love you and I want to show you how much."  
"Shit, Hannah," Clay exclaimed as my hand worked past the material and his head hit the back of the seat. Before my hand could go any further, his hand grabbed my wrist and pulled my hand out. "Not here Hannah."

His reaction caused a series of emotions to rush through me. Confusion and hurt at him stopping me, embarrassment that he didn't want me like that. I pulled back and manouvered myself back into my seat where I fixed my dress to cover my chest.

"You don't want me anymore," I whispered.

"No, No, Hannah, please don't think that," Clay panicked as he hastily fixed the clothes I had attempted to remove. "I just don't want our first time together to be in the front seat of your car. I want to give you the romantic setting that you so deserve. Candles, flowers. You may want to show me how much you love me, but I want to do the same and for me it just wouldn't be right here."

The relief rushed over me as I realised he wasn't saying no to me, just that he wanted the setting to be perfect and I couldn't help but grin at his need to make me happy. I pushed my arms through the sleeves of the dress and turned my back to him.

"Zip me up please," I requested as I looked over my shoulder at him. He smiled at me and leaned forward so his face disappeared from view. I felt his lips on my spine as he slowly pulled the zip up. He eventually reached the top, where he placed a kiss on my shoulder.

"Let's go do this date thing," he said as he opened the car door and got out of the car.

I checked my appearance in the rearview mirror before Clay had come round to open the door for me and offered me a hand. I took it as I climbed out and he closed the door behind me.

"So where are we going?" I asked as he pulled me to him to wrap an arm around my waist.

"You'll see," he smiled as he lead us away from the car.


	6. Chapter 6

The excitement bubbled within me as Clay guided me to the location of our first official date. He gave me his hand as we walked down a narrow set of steps onto the wooden path that went out onto the water. I gave him a confused look but decided to let him enjoy that I had absolutely no idea where we were going. He stopped us when I had my balance on the walkway and pulled out a small piece of black material from his inside suit pocket.

"Do you trust me?" he asked, as he brought the material into my line of sight and I realised he was holding an eye mask.

"Do I want to know where that came from?" I retorted, the nerves showing in my voice.

"If you must know, I had a rather embarrassing conversation with my mom to get this from her. I think her mind went to the same place yours has gone," Clay admitted, resulting in a giggle from me. I took a deep breath and nodded, indicating that he could put it on me. He bent down in front of me and slowly guided each of my feet out of my heels. "Better to be safe than sorry."

Clay passed them to me and gently moved me so I was stood with my back to his front. He reached in front of me to place it over my eyes and the loss of sight enhanced my other senses; making the smell of the saltiness of the sea stronger, the sound of the water lapping against the wall louder and Clays touch on my bare arms resulted in a shiver running through me. I took hesitant steps forward as he guided me toward what I knew would be our final destination until eventually Clay stopped me and turned me to my left to face what my surprise was.

"Ready?" He whispered in my ear, to which I nodded eagerly. My confirmation resulted in Clay gently guiding the mask off of my face. I opened my eyes and the view in front of me took my breath away. In front of me was a medium sized boat, that was slightly weathered from use. There were hundreds of lanterns strung from one end of the boat to another, with flowers wound up the masts. We were stood at the back end, where there were candles burning on almost every surface, apart from the floor, where a checkered picnic cloth lay with an assortment of food and drink scattered across it.

"Do you like it?" I turned to look at Clay who had a nervous look on his face as he watched my reaction to the scene in front of me.

"Clay, I love it, I absolutely love it, but how?" I asked as I wrapped my arms around his neck. I felt him let out the breath that he had been holding in.

"I had help from Mom and Dad, think Mom understood the mask when I explained what I was planning," Clay told me as he wound his arms around me.

I pulled back from him and climbed into the boat. Dropping my shoes on the floor, I carefully sat in the blanket, aware of the length of my dress and looked up to find copying my actions, although not as aware of his movements. We enjoyed the setting for the next few hours, picking at the food and slowly sipping the wine that Clay had surreptitiously taken from his parent's wine cupboard.

The sun was beginning to set as the wind wiped around my shoulders and I shuddered from the cold. In reaction, Clay reached behind him and opened up a blanket that had been folded up on the floor next to him. He moved over so he could wrap it around my shoulders and at the same time wrapped his arms around me.

"Clay," I murmured as I realised something.

"Hmm," He acknowledged me whilst placing light kisses on the exposed skin of my neck.

"There are candles and flowers here," He stopped his movements as he also realised what I had.

"Hannah, that's not what I did it for," He told me whilst he was still facing my neck.

"I know that; I know you aren't that guy," I said as I turned towards him so I was looking him in the eye. "I meant what I said Clay, I'm ready if you are. More so for you really, you know it's not my first time but after everything that has gone on, it's all different now. I'm not scared that it's going to have consequences. I trust you Clay and hopefully you trust me."

I couldn't stop my voice from raising as if I was questioning him. He had sat listening to me and stayed perfectly still as he thought through what I had just said. Not much time passed before he placed both hands on either side of my face and placed a short kiss on my lips.

"Of course I trust you Hannah, and I'm a guy, once the hormones start I'm always gonna be ready," Clay response gained a small giggle from me. "Are you sure?"

His need to make sure made me smile as I nodded at him. Without another word, he stood up and offered me a hand. I took it and carefully got up, still conscious that I was wearing a dress. I followed him inside of the boat where there were a small living room and kitchen area. He guided me past this and towards a door, which he opened. The sight of what was in the room caused me to smirk.

"Really Clay, you didn't have this on your mind at all," He had opened a door to a bedroom, where in front of me was a bed, and all around, the candles and flowers continued. I turned to look at him.

"Well, like I said, I was living in hope. I was never going to show this to you unless you said you were ready," Clay tried to say cooly, but there was a panicked tone to his voice. Deciding to distract him and stop him from freaking out, I shut the door behind us and moved to stand in front of him.

"I for one am glad you were living in hope," I told him as I reached behind me to pull the zipper down on my dress. I slipped my arms out from it and released my hold on it, resulting in it pooling around my bare feet. Clay had gotten a preview of the lacy black bra earlier but hadn't had the opportunity to see the small panties that matched it. Clay's eye's roamed my body and it appeared he had forgotten to breathe.

"Shit, Hannah, they match," His reaction boosted my confidence and I walk towards him, trying to look as sexy as possible.

"I think you are over-dressed," I whispered in his ear as I pulled his tie loose and worked my way down the buttons of his shirt, a feeling of deja vu striking me. Clay didn't move and seemed to be frozen to the spot as I pushed his shirt off his shoulders. With his top half now bare, I knelt down to work on his trousers. Clay looked down at me and watched as I undone his belt, now slightly coming out of his frozen state. I continued my mission and made the logical decision to remove his shoes and socks. Looking down, I realised that he was still wearing his converse. I smiled as I unlaced them and removed them from his feet, as well as his socks.

"Who knew that you taking my shoes and socks off could be that sexy," He whispered and I grinned.

"I'm just that good Clay," I joked as I stood up in front of him and placed my hands on the waist of his trousers. As I worked on unfastening them, he slowly came back to life with small movements. His hands brushed over the lace of my panties and up to my waist, causing me to shiver. He moved his head so that his lips could access my neck and he trailed kisses along my skin. Managing to not let the sensations distract me too much, I eventually got his trousers undone and pushed them down until they fell of their own accord, and clay automatically kicked them off. Him being down to his last item of clothing seemed to finally get his attention and he pulled me in for a searing kiss, our hands wandering over each other's bodies.

"Are you sure Hannah?" He pulled us out of the kiss to check once again. I placed a hand on his cheek and nodded my confirmation.

"I love you," I told him, causing him to smile.

"I love you, He responded and pulled me in to kiss me hard as we fell onto the bed. 


	7. Chapter 7

**This is just a filler chapter, I have got kind of a plan for where this is going but in the meantime, enjoy!**

"Whose is the boat?" I murmured. We had been talking for a while, enjoying the peace and comfort that we brought each other. Every time I glanced up at Clay, I caught sight of the smile that had not left his face since we had finally gone the whole way. I'd forgotten how amazing your first time felt, and being around Clay allowed me to remember how good it had felt that summer.

"My dad's, although he doesn't really use it anymore," Clay responded, his voice sounding a million miles away. "We used to take it out on the bay almost every weekend in the summer, me, him and Mom. But now we all have too much going on so we rarely use it."

"So you know how to drive a boat then?" I asked him.

"Yeah, technical term is sailing though," he chuckled to himself at my error.

"Hey don't mock me, I've never done this stuff before," I elbowed him in the hip, expecting that would cause him to stop but he instead shook more from the laughter that he now couldn't stop. Deciding to wait it out, I sat up and turned around to face him cross legged, taking some of the sheet with me to keep my self covered.

"I mean really Clay, it wasn't that funny," I told him after he had finally composed himself.

"I know, I'm just so happy that I think I could laugh at absolutely anything right now," he responded and sat up himself so that he was looking me in the eye. He grinned at me as his tucked one side of my hair behind my ear. "I think your parents may be able to tell we haven't just been here for the picnic."

"How would they know it was a picnic?" I asked, confused by his statement. "And what do you mean they'll be able to tell?"

"Well they knew my plan for tonight, I told your Dad I was planning on finally taking you on a date one morning at breakfast. He kind of interrogated me whilst you were finishing getting ready for school. And if you want the answer to the second question, you might want to look in that mirror," Clay gestured towards the mirror that hung on the opposite side of the room. Curious as to what he was referring to, I pulled the blanket that was laying at the bottom of the bed towards me and wrapped it around myself.

"I prefer you without the blanket," Clay smirked as I stood up and walked over to the mirror. I glanced back at him and gave him a nervous smile before focusing my stare on the mirror.

The hours that I had spent taming my unruly hair had apparently gone to waste with my hair in a worse disarray than I had ever seen before. I attempted to brush down the bits that were sticking out before turning back around to face Clay fully. In the time I had been facing the mirror, he had moved so that he was now propped up against the headboard. Making a decision in my head that once was not going to be enough for either of us tonight, I bit my lip as I moved to stand at the bottom of the bed. I released my grip on the blanket, causing it to drop and gather around my feet.

"You got what you wanted," I commented. Clays eye's glazed with lust as I crawled up the bed and straddled his legs. Clay reached up and attempted to fix my hair for me.

"I think it's a lost cause, may as well make it worse," he said as we both worked on pushing the sheet from between us, allowing skin on skin contact. I giggled as he moved us so he was on top of me and began to kiss me along my jawline.

"As long as you're ready for my dad to interrogate you more," I responded breathlessly, running my hands up his back and pulling him closer to me.

"There's a brush around here and somewhere, and besides, it's totally worth it," he told me between kisses.


	8. Chapter 8

**Well, it's been a while! I'm so sorry for how long it's been. Studying a masters and working full time has been intense. So this is the beginning of what I'm planning for this story long term, I hope you like it!**

I stood in front of the mirror in the tiny bathroom and pulled the brush through my wet hair. After realising it was a lost cause, Clay had directed me to the bathroom and gone back to bed to wait for me to be finished so he could jump in. I grabbed a smaller towel from the side as I wandered back to the bedroom and started to towel dry my hair.

"You going to stay there all night?" I asked as I sat on the edge of the bed, causing him to look up from his phone.

"If you were going to stay, then yeah, I definitely would be," he responded with a smile as he put his phone down next to him. He leant over the side of the bed and picked his boxers up to pull them on.

"As much as I would love to you know I can't, besides, it's not like you won't be sleeping with me in the same bed tonight," I grinned as he stood over me to place a kiss on my forehead.

"Not the same though, I'm going to jump in the shower," he commented and turned to make his way to the door, before stopping dead in his tracks. I was extremely confused until he turned and charged back towards me, to pull me up into an earth-shattering kiss. we were both panting when we pulled away from each other. "You don't realise how much I love you."

"Funny you should say that because I don't think you realise how much I love you," I responded as I placed my head on his shoulder. Clay pulled away slightly to place his index finger under my chin and pulled my face to his to place a single tender kiss on my lips. I smiled as I pulled away and placed my hands on his stomach to give him a gentle push. "Go on, you need to shower and get me home, my dad will be thinking you've taken advantage of his innocent daughter."

"You are far from innocent," Clay chuckled as he walked out of the room.

I finished off drying my hair the best I could, before looking around the room for my underwear. Blush coloured my cheeks as I spotted my bra hanging off the door of the wardrobe and my panties on the floor in front of the bed. I picked them up and pulled them on, doing the same with my dress that was pooled on the floor. Remembering my shoes were outside, I made my way back through the living area to get back on the deck. The temperature had dropped significantly whilst we had been inside. Seeing my little purse sat on the bench that ran its way around the desk, I picked it up to pull my phone out. Checking the time, I was surprised to see not only how late it was, but the lack of concerned texts or numerous calls from my parents. It seemed they trusted Clay more than they liked to let on. A breeze picked up causing a shiver to run through me, causing me to pull the blanket around me that Clay had wrapped around me earlier.

It was so peaceful on the water, the only sound being the water lapping against the boat. It had been so long since I had been out on the waterfront. I tended to avoid it, it brought back so many bad memories, but now I was able to associate being there with the amazing evening that Clay had organised.

A strangled sob interrupted the quiet and caught my attention. I looked around to find the source of the sound. Noticing someone sat on the edge of the pier, I realised that the person sat there was Jess. I was torn over what to do. Jess had made her feelings towards me perfectly clear and I really didn't feel like being slapped in the face again. On the other hand, that was a long time ago, she was obviously upset and I couldn't leave her alone like that. Swallowing my pride, I climbed over the edge of the boat and slowly made my way to her.

"Jess," I said when I was close enough for her to hear me. She looked up at me, tears streaked down her face.

"Oh, hey Hannah," Jess replied, she bowed her head and brought her hand to her face, evidently trying to wipe away the tears she had been crying. I hesitated, unsure of what to do. It had been a long time since she had spoken to me without disdain in her voice. Deciding that I seemed to be on relatively safe grounds, I sat down next to her with my legs dangling over the edge.

"Everything okay?" I asked, unsure how to proceed. She looked up at me, uncertainty evident in her eyes.

"Erm, how do you define okay?" She replied. "My boyfriend lied to me and all these memories are coming back and…"

Jess faded away more and more as she spoke until she came to a stop. She was clearly distressed as the tears poured out of her, evidently unable to stop them.

"Memories about what Jess?" I asked carefully. It was obvious she was in a fragile state and I wasn't sure how to handle her when she was like this.

"My party, I, something happened. I wasn't sure if it did, but Justin's told me, I can't stop them. All these memories, horrible memories, they won't stop," she turned and looked me straight in the eye. "Hannah, I don't know what to do."

It was like something broke inside her as the tears racked through her body and her head dropped into her hands. I went to put a hand on her shoulder but hesitated slightly, still unsure how to react. Realising that it couldn't make it worse, I put an arm around her shoulders. Almost out of instinct, Jess turned towards me and buried her face in the crook of my neck. I held her as she cried her heart out, body racking sobs that didn't seem to be stopping. I stayed quiet, instead opting to run a hand up and down her back to try to calm her.

A hand on my shoulder caught my attention and I turned slightly to see Clay crouching next to us.

"Hannah, what's going on?" Clay asked. Catching Jess' attention, she glanced up to see it was Clay who had spoken before turning her face back into me, deciding that she wasn't concerned about Clay seeing her like this.

"I don't know," I murmured to Clay before turning my attention back to Jess to try to pacify her. "It's alright Jess, everything is going to be alright."


End file.
